Friday, February 11, 2005

It's a hard love

In the process of coordinating plans for Cy's birthday, I let drop that I would be happy to host a few people at my house at some point, but that there was one person who was unwelcome. Karen asked if there was "bad blood" between this person and me, and, admittedly there isn't.

No, no bad blood. I just hate her. I reserve any and all right to dislike people intensely with little or no provocation. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I generally come to this conclusion within about 30 seconds of meeting someone.

There have been times when I have second-guessed myself, tried to give second-chances, benefits-of-the-doubt, and shit like that, and I've always been sorry I did so. It's not a judge of character, per se, though I tend to classify those I dislike as "bad sorts". It's more that I know I can't trust them, and I don't want people around me who I cannot trust.

I'm right about this. I'm always right.
And I like this about myself.

So, can you trust me?
I want you to call me if you wake up in bed with a dead hooker. I'd dispose of the body, wash you up and probably make you breakfast. If I like you, you will do no wrong. I will want all of you, especially the parts you're ashamed to show anyone else. Those are my favorite parts, the ones I lean close to see.

It's all good - just don't fuck with me.

I used to take betrayal and turn it in on myself, wear it close to my heart as the only truth. Not now. It turns out I can defend myself, I can be quite cold, quite cruel, quite lowered-lid, even breaths, turn around and walk away.

I like this about myself too.

Is it a paradox? Don't be daft, it's a part of Kali - the mother/destroyer.
Tra-la! She's a dangerous type.