Thursday, December 21, 2006

Check, check, check

So, about once a year I reorder checks. I do it this frequently for two reasons:
First: I can't really believe that we'll need that many checks. It used to take us forever to get through a box of checks, we had MANY fewer bills to pay...And anyway, we'd likely be at a new address within a year, so why get a huge number? When I come to a reorder slip in the box, it's still a surprise.
Second: once, we had the ULTIMATE CHECKS, but we can no longer find them. They might start making them again any moment, and we don't want to commit to anything long-term, you know? The ULTIMATE CHECKS were printed to look like plain, blue safety checks that had been crumpled, torn, taped and stapled. They were very funny, and we actually had one or two people worriedly attempt to flatten them out again. What's funnier than that? The thought of it improved my bill-paying days immensely.

I spent a lot of time today looking at checks, and let me tell you, there are some doozies. For example, if you explore the category "satire," you are likely to find this amazing example:

I know you can't read it, but they're called "Pro-Life Zingers." There are four cartoons, like a man asking God where the people were who were going to save the world (from AIDS, war, hunger), and God responding that all the saviors had been aborted. Woo-wee, that's funny! And a woman at the abortion clinic looking at a dead baby in a jar and saying: "But, that's a baby, where's the bloody tissue I kept hearing about?" Ha-ha-ha, whee! Who knew there was such light-hearted anti-abortion rhetoric, and even more, who knew that it would be available for your personal banking needs?
This brings up a side question: if all of these fundies are turning out to be intensely hypocritical - that the most violently gay-hatin' preachers are violently man-lovin' men - what behavior would be "hypocritically opposite" of a furious anti-abortion stance? Child-abuse, matzoh-eating, what?
Anyway, the Pro-Life Zingers were a definite possibility.

There are, in fact, quite a few fascinating Pro-Life and Christian checks, with Psalms and relaxing swirls or landscapes (but no bloody fetuses, strangely). Balanced out, though, by a good dose of checks from PFLAG, Human Rights Campaign, and even NORML.
NORML checks? Also a contender.

What else?
Hulkmania checks? Check.
Styx checks? Check.
Pantera checks? Check.
Tim McGraw checks - where Tim McGraw looks like he's about to lay down some sweet, sweet cowboy lovin' on...Tim McGraw? Check.

All of these, were, I admit, mighty tempting. However, I wussed out and went with an old standby, recently re-released (which, of course gives me hope that next year, we'll finally be reunited with the ULTIMATE CHECKS). I don't get to see folks receive these too often, but when I have, people will actually finger the paper to see if I drew it myself.

(I am not now, and have never been, Paula R. Jamison.)