Sunday, November 19, 2006

In which our heroines win a few, lose a few, and swear loudly in Ikea

Ah, the most noble of pursuits for the young American homeowner...the gigantic remodel. No, we don't know how it'll end up, and yes, we learn a lot as we go. We also check on Google. A lot. We check for wisdom from those who have gone before. Some help would be great, any help with venting a range hood in a space just a bit tighter than 3 1/4 (traditional hot-air venting, that goes through your walls, is 10inX3 1/4in, and so is the space above our cabinets...mostly) for example. We find some good advice, some overly-technical advice, and a metric butt-load of crap from people who fancy themselves remodelers, but are, in fact, simply limp-handed wankers.

Consider this jewel from a recently-found, lengthy site titled "Tips for Remodeling Your Kitchen."

*Buy lots of dogbones.*

Dogbones? We query innocently, (Always ready to give the benefit of the doubt, are we..such magnanimitude, such philadelphic sentiment!) whatever for? An ingenious method for mixing drywall mud? A low-tech solution for testing air gaps? An unshared professional secret for leveling cabinetry?

*To distract your dogs while the remodelers are working.*

Are you. Fucking. Kidding me? "Come over to my house and I'll show you how to use those dog bones. I'll install those fucking dog bones right up your ass, you fucker!" (This is in quotes because it's what I said loudly while waiting in the check-out line at Ikea.) This kind of self-satisfied non-advice makes us sick. Sick. (In truth, there is but one other house fixer-upper who supercedes us in boldness and skill - my second oldest friend, the Unsinkable Miss Bru.)

Well...we had a single triumphant moment before we took it away from ourselves. We hung the cabinets to make sure of placement and then had to take them down to cut the hole for aforementioned vent. But, for a brief, fluttering moment, out house had a kitchen again:

(and for reference, from the same view almost one year ago...)