Wednesday, November 01, 2006


Instead of waiting around for children who never seem to show up on our busy street(nor anywhere in our neighborhood, honestly), we went to go see Wickerman at the cheap theater. It's 50 cents on Tuesdays - and any movie is pretty much worth 50 cents, except perhaps this one. It was scary all right, scary in that way when you catch a glimpse of a secret, horrible belief system that may be used against you and you wouldn't even know.

I also think we didn't appreciate it because we weren't the intended audience...this movie was, we believe a propaganda film directed at men to warn them from the evils of women and, more specifically, of heterosexuality.

The main plot of this movie involves Nicholas Cage wandering around this simply gorgeous landscape, in and out of these gracious homes, and among these well dressed women. Bee-spit crazy, indeed, but oh my god were they beautifully dressed. There was this one green belt worn by a teacher that was the topic of a five-minute diatribe on the drive home...the two buttons, the back buckle in this matching bright olive, just stunning. But this is not the point - these lovely ladies in their lovely dresses are evil. EVIL, I tell you. You can tell because they want only two things from men: sperm and manual labor.

Do they want conversation? Not so much - the men were left sans tongues, and could only mubfle grumpily while Nicholas Cage was able to speak the real man's truth, which involved screaming "'re bitches, you bitches!"

Do they want companionship? Well, besides the single-eyed, grizzle-bearded, bee-stung elder happily tucked and waiting naked in a set of white sheets, men were generally not allowed inside. (We liked this scene - it implies that women, if given the choice of any man, will chose one based not on looks but on, oh, I don't know, complacency?)

This movie had it all - lines of pregnant women marching through the forest and smiling secret smiles, pseudo-pagan rituals based on illustrations from a menacing book titled "Ancient Rituals," a gentle-seeming doctor who performed late-term abortions - ONLY OF BOYS, school-girls chanting "phallic symbol," a cop allergic to bee-stings forced to investigate a society dependent on its apian industry (at one point, the matriarch said "our crop last year was the worst in memory," which made me respond with: yup, that honey crop shore didn't come up, and to think of the money we wasted planting all those damn bees!), and innocent-seeming women who look like sapling-thin kewpie dolls in forest green silk shifts with wide cerulean sashes (drool), and sound inane and confused, thereby maintaining their strangle-hold over men, only to manipulate them towards evil ends. Did I say EVIL??

Nicholas Cage is duped by the feminine, and his manly honor is used to ensnare him in a horrible, purposeless end, betrayed by both his kewpie-girlfriend and his daughter.

And this horror is coming to get YOU! In the last scene, society members on a field trip to a bar are trapping young men with the lure of easy sex, and you're supposed to want to scream: "Don't do it, ye noble young man, for that ass you tap may seal your doom! GO GAY, it's much, much safer."