Monday, March 13, 2006

Sucking and the suckers who suck

One of the things I'm getting more and more used to is being in pain. I'm limping again today - to and fro across campus, and even a few blocks starts to really hurt. Somewhere around mile four on Saturday, something went all nutty in my right foot. I finished the run, but probably shouldn't have, it hurt more and more and more as the day went on. The thing is, parts of my body hurting still really makes me nervous...I understand it when my knees ache (I mean, come on, they're knees - AKA the most poorly designed joint in the body). But odd pain showing up elsewhere makes me really worried...first my right hip, and now this. It's probably all connected.

I went to the first class of body rolling on Sunday morning, and the teacher made me stand on these hard, blue hemispheres that stretch the muscle as it's healing. Basically, you pinpoint the part that hurts and you stand on it. Making it hurt more. It's like some beautiful, masochistic feedback loop.

Really, it's just dumb to run - it's like the hardest, meanest thing you can do to your body. But I like's the first activity I've done that I've stuck to despite being a spectacular failure.

Alexis and I were talking last night about what it meant to us to be the smartypants in school. It's like we never really had to work at anything, so we never really learned what it feels like to suck at something, and to have to work to get better. If I wasn't good at it immediately, I assumed that I wasn't supposed to be doing it.

Instead, I am now learning the experience of totally sucking, and keeping going nonetheless. It's just not as bad as I thought it would be, and it opens up the world, doesn't it? It's a realization that you and me, we can DO anything. We just may suck at it, but sucking's okay. Since when did an experience become meaningful only if you're good or great at it? That's bunk.

It's good to suck! I may never get better, may suck forever, and that's totally cool.