Hob nisht geshlofn. Nisht!
I'm not sleeping. I'm neither tossing nor turning, nor worried...I'm just staying awake through this sea change. And it does feel a sea change, it does.
I told one of the women I work (who is three years in to a five year program) that I'd been accepted. She congratulated me warmly and then told me the following:
"Remember this time. Remember your excitement, and come back to this time for strength in the years to come."
Hm, I thought, ominous. And it's true, I am excited, and I remember that the time between hearing of an acceptance and actually beginning a program is just about the sweetest time ever. It is blissful, anticipatory ignorance, and it's delightful. Not bad, not wrong, but delightful in its own way. I am getting very little done, since I keep going back to Scott's email and the formal letter I was sent to make sure that the name on the top is really mine, and they really meant to tell *me* that they'll accept and fund me. I carry around a printed copy of the letter in my pocket - it's already creased and dirty from the readings in these few days.
I feel welcomed and acknowledged and appreciated for the first time in, well, a long time. What I know (that others may not know) is that I will do this work my own way -I will likely be graceless and clumsy - but when I finish, I will produce something totally unique and totally embedded...knowledge that is integrated and utile and relevant. Furthermore, I hold no illusion that this is a direct pathway to anything (university appointments, tenure, security, etc), but rather an incredibly precious time for work. The problems I want to work on are time sensitive and desperately important (and, yes, I do mean things like poop composting), and my *whole job* will be to think about them. This is a wondrous thing.
I told one of the women I work (who is three years in to a five year program) that I'd been accepted. She congratulated me warmly and then told me the following:
"Remember this time. Remember your excitement, and come back to this time for strength in the years to come."
Hm, I thought, ominous. And it's true, I am excited, and I remember that the time between hearing of an acceptance and actually beginning a program is just about the sweetest time ever. It is blissful, anticipatory ignorance, and it's delightful. Not bad, not wrong, but delightful in its own way. I am getting very little done, since I keep going back to Scott's email and the formal letter I was sent to make sure that the name on the top is really mine, and they really meant to tell *me* that they'll accept and fund me. I carry around a printed copy of the letter in my pocket - it's already creased and dirty from the readings in these few days.
I feel welcomed and acknowledged and appreciated for the first time in, well, a long time. What I know (that others may not know) is that I will do this work my own way -I will likely be graceless and clumsy - but when I finish, I will produce something totally unique and totally embedded...knowledge that is integrated and utile and relevant. Furthermore, I hold no illusion that this is a direct pathway to anything (university appointments, tenure, security, etc), but rather an incredibly precious time for work. The problems I want to work on are time sensitive and desperately important (and, yes, I do mean things like poop composting), and my *whole job* will be to think about them. This is a wondrous thing.
posted by shagreen at 11:23 AM
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