Dearest Father,

Oh, my wonderful father...it is a great joy to have you in my life.

But your phone is broken.
I think you know this.

You also may notice your cell phone (which gets better reception at your house than at mine, so no excuses from you) has a little message on the screen. Something about a number of missed calls, maybe?

A sort of outrageous number of missed calls, isn't it?
Those were me.


You know the drill, bub: telephone me ASAP or I'm calling the cops.
And, knowing your deferential way with authority figures, they'll mace ya soon as look at ya.

-Your loving daughter