Friday, June 02, 2006

There must be seven levels...

Of dorkiness.

Right now, I think I'm hovering around level 5, for I have officially developed a *stamp obsession*. I've just come upon the interest philately. It's not so much that I keep stamps around, but that I review the annual selection, eagerly await the new arrivals, and may order stamps online if they are unavailable locally (it costs only a dollar for shipping, which is low, but what is the post office doing charging shipping for stamp delivery? Doesn't that strike you as odd?). So, I was excited to the point of agitation when I saw the poster for these beauties in the lobby of our local office.

Land of Superlatives.

If I am at dork level 5 of 7, these stamps are, like, at 8.

The "Land of Superlatives" is actually a 40-point patriotic manifesto. I mean, if we have the most active volcano - Kilauea, the largest land mammal - the American Bison, and the the loudest animal - the Blue Whale...why then, we have every right to butt our nose into global business. We're the longest, the largest, the tallest, the fastest! We rule! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Wait...did they just say that the *Blue Whale* belongs to us? (All your Blue Whale are belong to us.) Like, "We hereby claim this species for the United States of America. As evidenced by this flag I'm placing in, this, um, blowhole."

Wait, the American Bullfrog is not the largest frog. I've seen Bullfrogs, and I've seen pictures of bigger frogs.

By jove, I don't think they mean the largest, fastest ANYTHING. They just mean the est-est in the States! It's like going into a shoe store, asking for a size nine, and having the shoe salesman say: "Our largest are these size sevens. Ain't they grand? Ain't they majestic? Don't they make you want to put 'em on and go spread Democracy?"

People, if you delineate a small enough area, everything's gonna be the somethingest. For example, I am currently the most burnt thing in my house. Crisfield is the waggiest. Grex is the murpliest. A is the stripiest (and the swirliest). I just don't think we have bragging rights...(though I have decided to claim tapirs for our newly-formed nation state of Shalexia.)

If we really want to claim our global prominence - let's do it for real:
We have the highest infant mortality among industrialized nations.
We are the fattest.
We produce the most solid waste and greenhouse gasses.

I'd like to see the stamp manifesto for those (almost as much as I would like to see the stamp for inflamitory bowel disease).